Dear Diary,
I don't even know why I'm writing about him again.
Actually, that's a lie.
I know exactly why.
Because I can't tell anyone.
I can't tell my friends because they already know. They look at me sometimes with that awful, knowing expression, like they can see every thought I've tried so hard to hide.
And I can't tell him.
Especially not him.
So I guess that leaves you.
Prince.
God.
Even writing his name makes something inside me ache.
I wish I knew when it happened.
When he stopped being just a boy I knew and became him.
The person I looked for whenever I walked into a room.
The person whose smile could fix a terrible day without him even knowing he'd done it.
The person I could talk to for hours and somehow still feel like I hadn't said enough.
I remember when I first came to that school. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Everything was unfamiliar, everyone already had their people, and I was constantly wondering whether I was being too quiet or too loud or too weird.
Then I met them.
My four idiots.
They made me feel like I could breathe again.
And somehow, Prince became part of that.
He never tried to impress me.
That's what gets me.
He never had to.
He was just kind.
He noticed things.
He remembered.
He'd sit beside me without making it a big deal. He'd smile when he saw me. He'd listen when I talked, even when I was rambling about things that didn't matter.
He made me feel important.
And then one day, he told me he liked me.
And I said no.
I still don't understand myself.
Why did I do that?
I liked him.
I think some part of me already knew I liked him.
Maybe I was scared.
Maybe I was afraid that if I let myself have him, I'd eventually lose him.
So I rejected him first.
How stupid is that?
I thought I was protecting myself.
Instead, I lost him anyway.
Because he moved on.
And I remember the first time I saw him with another girl.
I smiled.
I acted normal.
I even joked about it.
Then I went somewhere nobody could see me and cried until my chest hurt.
That's when I knew.
I loved him.
I loved him so much it scared me.
And the worst part?
He had loved me first.
He had stood right in front of me and offered me his heart, and I had been too afraid to take it.
What kind of person does that?
Sometimes I wish he had been cruel.
It would be easier.
If he had hurt me, I could hate him.
If he had treated me badly, I could tell myself I deserved better.
But he didn't.
He was good to me.
Even after I rejected him.
Even after he moved on.
He still cared.
And somehow that made everything worse.
Because how do you stop loving someone who never gave you a reason to?
I've watched him fall in love with other people.
I've watched him get hurt.
I've watched him smile at girls in ways I secretly wished he'd smile at me.
And every time, I've been there.
His friend.
That's what I am.
His friend.
And I love being his friend.
That's the problem.
I don't want to lose him.
I don't want to confess and make everything strange.
What if he doesn't feel that way anymore?
What if he remembers that I said no?
What if he thinks I'm only saying it now because nobody else worked out?
I couldn't blame him.
He gave me his chance.
I threw it away.
So I keep quiet.
My friends know.
They know how badly I love him.
Sometimes I think they know before I do.
They watch me when he walks into the room.
They see the way my face changes.
They see me pretend I'm not listening whenever he talks about a girl.
They know why I never date anyone for very long.
Because every time I try, I compare them to him.
And nobody wins.
Nobody is Prince.
I hate that.
I hate that I don't want anyone else.
I've tried.
I really have.
But my heart is stubborn.
It chose him once, and apparently it decided that was enough.
And then there was Vivian.
I don't think I've ever hated a moment as much as the moment she told me she liked him.
Because she was smiling.
She was so happy.
And I loved her.
I still love her.
That's what makes me feel like such a horrible person.
Because she didn't steal him from me.
He was never mine.
Not really.
She didn't do anything wrong.
She fell in love with him.
He fell in love with her.
That's it.
That's the whole story.
Except somehow I'm the one sitting here at midnight trying to figure out how to survive it.
She told me about their first date.
I listened.
I asked questions.
I laughed when she laughed.
I told her she deserved to be happy.
And I meant it.
I swear I meant it.
But when I got home, I cried.
I cried because I wanted to be happy for her without feeling like something inside me was dying.
I cried because I wanted to be the person he chose.
I cried because I remembered the day he chose me first.
And I said no.
Sometimes I wonder if that's my punishment.
Not because I deserve to suffer.
But because maybe this is simply what happens when you don't recognize something precious until it's already gone.
I would've done anything for him.
Anything.
I would've changed everything about myself if he'd asked.
I would've crossed oceans.
I would've stayed up all night.
I would've picked up every broken piece of him and held them in my hands until they stopped cutting me.
If he had asked me for the moon, I would've looked for a ladder.
That's how much I loved him.
That's how much I still love him.
And yet...
I couldn't even say yes when he asked me to be his.
Isn't that ridiculous?
I had all this love inside me.
All this love.
And somehow, I was too afraid to give it to the one person who wanted it.
Now he loves Vivian.
And I have to learn how to live with that.
Maybe one day I'll stop wishing it were me.
Maybe one day I'll see them together and it won't feel like someone is pressing their fingers into an old bruise.
Maybe one day I'll meet someone else.
Maybe I'll fall in love again.
I don't know.
But tonight?
Tonight, I still love Prince.
And I hate that I do.
And I don't.
God, I don't.
Because how could I hate loving someone who once made me feel so completely seen?
I just wish I'd been brave sooner.
I wish I'd known that sometimes you only get one chance.
I wish I'd said yes.
But I didn't.
And now he's happy.
So I guess all I can do is love him quietly.
From here.
From the side.
Where I've always been.
Goodnight.
I hope tomorrow hurts less.
